Nothing Punny

You know the happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man it is to know that and to wonder at it. Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. Wondering produces wisdom. And a truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. He Ponders. And Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary.... (The Important Questions Of Life)
WHAT's the speed of dark?
WHY do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
WHERE are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
WHO is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Hold on, I'll fix this in a moment. Okay, ''To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key? I see Esc, Ctrl, and Page-Up. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB." What's this now that keeps blinking on my screen?
We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile!
IF you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
Try not to have a good time while reading...this is supposed to be educational. "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance. Which is why I ponder and read. It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. It saves time reading portions of things then trying to read everything and still knowing about everything. You really couldn't have everything though. Where would you put it? Do you understand! "Do you know what rhetorical means?" ""A child of five would understand this. Some of you may need someone to go fetch you a child of five."
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana." With all that extra time we should either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. I'm trying to do both. There are no days in life so memorable as those, which vibrated to some stroke of the imagination. That was on a day I was doing nothing. That day gave me the Ambition to write. This Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Ambition should then be made of sterner stuff. My Ambition is to attempt to write something that will keep your interest for a long time and something that will make you laugh and think about life. Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish. Its kind of fun to do the impossible. In my opinion nothing occurs contrary to nature except the impossible, and that never occurs. Well if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. "Cause a day without laughter is a day wasted." A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
To write, you need a good imagination and a load of material. You need eyes to see the material (yours or somebody else's) but you cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I've taken a lot of quotes, puns, wit, and jokes that I found mostly on the Internet, in my own or other people's head and some while roaming around the library, and turned them into an essay. The process was slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I found such gems as this Quote by George Bush when he was President back in 1990. "I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli." How about classic children's lit. meeting classic t.v.

"Bother," said Pooh. "Eeyore, ready photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."
These are jokes, puns and quotes told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing. But isn't nothing something if were using it as a noun? You know Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends.... if they're ok, you're it." Unlike most of you though, I am not a nut." To save space I decided not to quote each and every person I found. I have so much good stuff; all my computer files (room, bookcases, life) are a little disorderly and cluttered. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean? So I stole some ideas and thoughts. Bad artists copy. Great artists steal. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. But I'm using my creativity and imagination to create this piece of writing. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. Imagination encircles the world. Imagination is more important than knowledge. I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination (and those of some others.). Fine art and pizza delivery: what I'm writing falls neatly in between.
This essay will be long because I lacked the time to make it shorter. Perhaps I'll write a classic. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. My essay is water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. It is good though. Lots of wit. The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I tried writing some books but they were really too short.
Human Rights Advances in China"
Different Ways to Spell 'Bob'"
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors"
How now, wit! Whither wander you? `Okay now the time has come
,' `To talk and ponder of many things: / Of shoes- and ships - and sealing-wax - / Of cabbages - and kings - / Of why the sea is boiling hot -And If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? / And whether pigs have wings. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. That's because they're helpless without us. "Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors." Cats also look down on us. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. " But Pigs treat us as equals.
This is all Nonsense you say? Talking nonsense is man's only privilege that distinguishes him from all other organisms." "I like nonsense; it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
We are all here for a spell; we need to get all the good laughs we can. "Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called wise men. All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: How about: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
"An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady." Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. But there is a difference between tragedy and comedy. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. "The comedy of man survives the tragedy of man. If you feel that laughing at others is too cruel, laugh at your self. Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained. Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! Would they actually be laughing at themselves though? And if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
In this essay I'll try to use the right words. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. I'll try not to utter False words. False words are bad. False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil. But the Good Word infects the soul with Good. Because in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God, He was in the beginning with God. Oh... that fit so perfectly.
Now I'll try to use good English in this essay. But "English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!" But still... Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? What's another word for "thesaurus"? If Yoda so clever is, why together a sentence can not he put? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If any thing is mispelled, please don't hold it against me. Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me! Seriously I can spell Tuesday. You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count. I could always spell the words I can't spell in invisible ink. But how could I then tell when and if I ran out of invisible ink? I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. And you would dead, Ohh.. Excuse me, electroencephalographically challenged. Okay lots more for thought ahead. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Anyone lost in thought or is it unfamiliar territory? If so think on and will find a map.