Joe:
Andy
Chris:
Pat:
Zyra:
Writer:
(Four guys are sitting around a table. Joe points to a drawing cut into the table)
Joe: (starts to sing) What shall we do! We need to do something.
Andy: Oh Yes We Do.
Everyone: Oh yes we do.
Chris: WAIT! (Pulls a board game from nowhere) lets play planes and tanks!!
Everyone: Ug.
Pat: I’d rather change shoes with Joe.
(They exchange shoes)
Andy: I was thinking (I don't do that often)
Pat: How would you guys like an Web page?
Andy: Could You?
Joe: Would You?
Chris: Should You?
Pat: In case I didn’t tell you, There is No Lumber Cartel.. And I am NOT Member #01538 (gets up and trips) gets back into seat.
Joe: That was an unnecessary trip to nowhere.
Andy: sheessh (REALLY LOUD)
Joe: What about the web page?
Pat: What web page?
Andy: The one you promised us.
Pat: I was only kidding.
Andy: Sooooo..... How do you guys feel about Grapes?
Joe: They explode in the microwave.
Andy: It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Pat: Gosh, when the heck does this script pick up.
Joe: HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Andy: Here comes the Theological debate, now things are happening.
(Zyra comes out from under the table holding a vase)
Zyra: whew! That was rough. (He exits)
Pat: This script makes no sense!
Joe: Sense of What?
Pat: Sense of anything!
Andy: I don’t have that one.
Chris: Why don’t I have more lines.
Andy: It’s double spaced:
Chris: Why can’t you be more hospitable
Andy: I’m a film Major
Pat: I didn’t know you were in the army?
Chris What I meant was why did the scriptwriter not give me more to do. What is so good about you and Joe and Pat and who the heck is that person that was just here?!
Andy: The guy on the table?
(There is a guy on the table)
Joe: I thought he came from under the table.
Chris: This is silly
Andy: If you read the script it says his name is Zyra
Chris: Is that supposed to funny?
Joe: No it’s Zyra or was Zyra (guy on table is gone)
Andy: He probably still is.
Chris: Aw come on this conversation isn’t funny.
Joe: Didn’t we go over that.
Pat: Yeah, I’m outa here. (He trips again and stays.)
Joe: How many pages do we have now.
Pat: Almost done with two now, No we are done with 2. Were on 3, you can’t tell if this is taped. How many pages do we need.
Andy: None
Andy: You want to watch a movie?
Joe: Here’s a good one. Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.-
Pat: Come on this is a family friendly script.
Joe: It’s the Wizard of Oz
Chris: Never judge a book by it's movie
Andy: That’s most defiantly true of say Battlefield Earth, but not Forrest Gump
Joe: WHAT???, Come on Travolta did a great Job. Man was he scary. He really made me believe that he was serious about the picture and that it wasn’t some sort of prank on the movie word. Wants to even make a sequel.
Chris: Man this is depressing. Maybe I should die.
Andy: Come on man, JESUS LOVES YOU It's everybody else that thinks you're an Jerk. No I’m kidding don’t cry. Just think. Razors pain you.
Pat: Rivers are damp.
Joe: Acids stain you
Chris: and drugs do cause cramp.
Andy: Guns aren't lawful,
Joe: noose give.
Pat: Gas smells awful;
Pat, Joe,Andy: you might as well live.
Andy: Besides you don’t want to cause pain to your friends, your family and your , Gosh you might be in serious Heck.
Chris: Thanks, but What?
Andy: HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.
Joe: Remember You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Pat: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Andy: Schizophrenia beats being alone/
Chris: Hey thanks Guys for the random meaningless philosophies.
Joe: Hey I have a great idea! Let’s watch The California Video! We can choose the 15 min version, the 30 minute version, the 60 minute version, or the 5 minute version. Roger Ebert gave it two thumbs up, Some other critic somewhere probably loved it, and Leonard Malton gave it 4 starts, !
Andy: out of 100, (pause) you‘ll probably at least get 2 or 3 who liked it.. Anyway, I thought we agreed to no personal references in this.
Joe: Oh, and the drawing on the table and the grapes thing.
Andy: is that a question?
Joe: No.
Chris: What would happen if the scenery just changed to something.
Andy: We’d be in a different place.
Joe: What about the Web Page?
Pat: What is the redeeming value of this film and the underlying moral implications that it impacts on our society especially the young. And how about the entertainment value. For those who didn't understand this film, their the same people, those who hate this, also hate Back to the Future 2.
Andy: You watch too much Star Trek.
Pat: Hey Deep Space 9 is not Start Trek. Don't even compare such art with such garbage! And how someone answer the question.
Joe: How someone answer the question? Is that supposed to mean something?
Pat: No more than you take it for.
Andy: I think when this was being written, it was cause he was dead tired and dead tired and dead loopy...
Joe: If brains were the gas that someone used to write this, it wouldn’t have enough power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop lop. It moves slower then turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Face the reality.
Andy: Reality is a big nasty-vicious dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons.
Chris: Speaking of reality, You know that Lou likes you.
Joe: Who?
Chris: Who does Lou like or who likes Lou.
Joe: You ask to many questions.
Chris: And you never answer any! I’m leaving I don’t have enough attention focused on me!
(The camera loses focus)
Joe: So what ya want to do?
Pat: how about we end this piece of
THE END
Joe: You mean their is more then one end?
Writer (VO) That’s right. I JUST WANTED TO SAY That THIS SCRIPT OR STORY OR VIDEO OR FILM AS SOME OF YOU CALL IT. And YOU ARE CALLING IT WRONG IF YOU CALL IT FILM AND IT IS VIDEO, BECAUSE IT IS NOT VIDEO IT IS FILM. I MEAN REVERSE! THE HEARSE! THAT RHYMED OH NEVER MIND!
What I WANT TO SAY, I SAID BEFORE THAT THIS WHAT YOU HEARD OR SAW DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ARE AND IF YOUR EYE OR SIGHT CHALLENGED, which is the same thing, I meant something else but anyway, this sentence along with what I was originally talking about MEANT NOTHING. Nothing WAS MEANT AND NOTHING WAS SAID! On THE other HAND THOUGH, IN THIS CASE, NOTHING WAS SOMETHING. Nothing WAS USED AS something, AND SO THIS FILM WAS ABOUT SOMETHING, WHICH IS NOTHING. It IS A SHOUT PICTURE ABOUT NOTHING, AND REMEMBER THAT THE NOTHING IS AS SOMETHING AND THAT SOMETHING IS EVENTUALLY NOTHING. Enjoy YOU EVENING OR NIGHT OR MORNING OR WHATEVER or whenever IT IS
(ANDY INTERRUPTS, BUT WRITER DOESN’T STOP)
Andy: shut UP (A THUD IS HEARD)
The real END
the end
Writer: PS. Sorry Andy didn’t mean to thud on you, but...
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