Paperclips

PAPERCLIPS
by
Mark Wilson
Thank you all for being my kind hearted associates. This story is in tribute to you. It is based on some of the characters and circumstances of the place in which I am employed. If you find a character based on you, that’s all it is. Sorry if it is in any way offensive cause its‘ not supposed to be. . If you don’t find anyway based on you.... well sorry. I ran out of time to produce a full length script that could encompass everyone. The quality could be better also. Could have added more humor and more situations. Could have proof read it better also. I have left out so much. But here it is anyway...... Merry Christmas
INT: Day
A young man dressed in a blue shirt and tan paints is sitting at a huge counter. Behind him are ink cartridges and above his head is a sign saying ‘Customer Service‘. In front of him is a computer and besides it is a phone. He is leaning on the counter board out of his mind. The phone then rings.
Scooter: (picking up) Hello you’ve reached Paperclips the Office Supply Superstore of the 21st century, where we supply all your Office and Computer needs for your office and home and where we price match any of our competitors price’s so you get the lowest price on your all ready low cost items. We also have UPS shipping.
beat
Scooter: Yeah I really have to say all that. Did you also know how you can save 10 bucks.... I’m, we open at 8. That’s right an hour ago. Why don’t we open earlier??? Oh. Yeah. Aha. All right sir. Ok. I’ll make sure I suggest that to the company. I’m sure 6am would be more convenient for everyone involved. Ok, Thanks for calling Paper......... (click). Ok.
Scooter hangs up phone
beat
Scooter leans on counter
Scooter: (in head) I’m 33 years old. I have a masters degree in English. I work in retail. Sigh. Why? I can’t pay my bills. I live home with my parents and two younger sisters. I drive most of the Manager staff nuts. The GM was shocked the other day when he found out he was working with me. Almost had a nervous breakdown cause we ran out of Aspirin and Tylenol. Still in shock to the incident last week.
FLASHBACK
INT: BACK OFFICE
JERRY GOLD: What were you thinking when you made that comment?
Scooter: I make about $250 a week, so when someone comes in with a wardrobe worse then mine, it just fills my mind with many questions that need to be answered. Such as how can he afford a pen that costs the same as my paycheck. And why is a pen that much anyway. You can buy 12 pens down in aisle 3 1/2 for a buck. And you can buy the refill for that $250 pen for 5 bucks. I mean....
JERRY GOLD: AND YOU MADE FUN OF HIS NAME.... WHY????
Scooter: Well he was Fat and Black and his name was Albert. So the Hey Hey Hey just sort of came out.
INT: Front Desk
Scooter: I guess I got NC. No Class. I guess the only reason I’m not fired is cause I saved a little boy from running out and getting hit by a car and the customer gave a winning sales pitch that let me keep my job. Not to mention that I actually saved the boss from chocking on an a aspirin that was stuck in his throat. Also we just fired 6 people who were involved in stealing about 5 grand in merchandise. They actually took me off the front desk for about 2 days before they put me back up at the front desk. It’s like a little black hole that keeps pulling me back in.
Man it’s 9:10 am. Mary used to come in at that time. Sigh. We used to have a fun time together. Before she left.
Flashback
Scooter comes over to a young 19 year old at the front desk and flicks out a rubber band behind his back and shoots her with it. She in turns pick up a rubber band and tries unsuccessfully to shoot it at him. He grabs another one out of his pocket and flings it at hr but it misses and his another woman as she is walking up to the front register. She does not look happy.
Scooter: (voice over) We had rubber band fights and all
Sarah: GET BACK TO YOUR CAGE!
She says this while pointing.
INT: Front Desk
.Sara used to yell at us to behave our selves. Speaking of Sarah.. Here comes the morning crew. No Sarah yet. Harold the machines guy. He keeps trying to sell me a cell phone. He is the smoothest slickest computer guy to ever work in this store. He‘s 2nd best only to Bob. Bob is # 1 cause he taught me self defense. I’ve never seen a man so tall and with so long hair. He also loves to tell stories about how he got into fights when he was my age and all about the fights his kids get into in school and how he has a boxing match with his short Irish wife. She looks like that Leprechaun for that sports team .He‘s such a funny guy. Wally is also here. He‘s out back with his twin brother. One‘s the head receiver the other is his assistant. One of them sometimes on brake dresses up like Harpo Marx and chases women around the store honking a little horn. Weird. Oh and here comes Sara. Yeah she’s the one who chewed me out for flinging rubber bands at Mary. May she Rest in Peace at Great Buy, the competitor down the road. We call Sarah the queen. We even bow to her every once in awhile. She is the head cashier. I wonder what mood she’ll be in today. Someday she is in a happy go-lucky Julia Andrews on top of the Mountain kind of happy. And there are varying levels of it right up to the level of meanness of the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. I am still at a wonderment in how her mood is picked. I think she picks her mood from a hat.
Sarah: Scooter? Come now lets not lean. Ok. Thank you. (said in a friendly comical tone) Don’t you have something to do!
Sarah starts to walk towards the back before he can answer her.
Scooter: Ok. (Scooter gets a key out of the draw and unlocks a case.) I can straighten up the pen cases. Glad she’s in a good mode. Four days ago I got sent home cause she ticked me off and I threw bags at her. Two days ago she brought me cookies and milk. Today she just smiled.
Sarah: Scooter ring out that customer will you.

Scooter: That is why I never start projects. No one comes while your doing nothing. But as soon as you start a project. There they are. You can’t do nothing, but you can’t not help a customer.
Man: Could I have an ink cartridge please.
Scooter: What printer?
Man: You know the one that, emmm prints out with ink on it.
Scooter: Is it a HP, Cannon, Epson, or a Lexmark. Or is it maybe a Bahara printer.
(In head) I actually just made that up.
Man: Yeah.
Scooter: Sir, I really do need a model number. Actually I need to know the brand name of the company of that makes it.
Man: How come you just can’t tell me?
Scooter: ????
Man: Awww I think it comes in a box that looks like that.
Scooter: This one here?
Man: Yeah, the box looks familiar.
Scooter: Are your sure.
Man: Well, can I return it if I’m not.
Scooter: It might be a waste of your time.
Man: Well it would be a waste of time if I go home to find out what it is and then come back anyway right?
Scooter: Well I guess when you put it that way. Ok that’s going to be 35 bucks.
Man: Really? Well maybe your right then. I’ll be back.
Customer leaves. Front of store is empty. Scooter blinks his eyes. A customer has suddenly appeared in front of his desk.
Scooter: (in head) There is never a long line. Just one person appearing right after the other one leaves. And oh my..
She is a 19 year old girl. She is stunningly beautiful. Has a sweet attractive face and is smiling.
Girl: Just these pens please.
James the merchandiser happens to come up to the front desk. He picks up the phone to page someone.
James: Attention please, would Juan pick up line 10. Juan line 10.
Scooter tries even harder to ring the girl out faster. He fumbles over getting her bag. The drawer gets stuck.
Scooter: (in head) Oh no. Line 10. The code for all the guys to come up and gawk at some pretty girl. 10 being up front, 11 Aisle one, 12 aisle 2 ect.
A bunch of Staples guys suddenly appears over by Scooters register. They are seen talking.
Scooter finally gets the pen and the girls change in her hand.
Scooter: Have a nice day.
Girl: Thank you.
She leaves the store and Scooter looks over at the guys. Five guys are giving him the ‘Ant she a babe smile”.

Customer is across from the service desk, standing at a register. She is standing there looking at the empty register, waiting for the cashier that will never come. Scooter sees her standing there without a clue.
Scooter: Ma’mm I’m open over here.
The Female Customer Lugs a basket full of items over.
Scooter: Did you get all your shopping done here today?
Female Customer: No.
Scooter: What did you not find.
Group of guys is still standing around talking.
Female: You never have what I want. Why advertise that you have things that you don’t have. I come here every week and you don’t have what I want. I need what I want and you don’t have it.
Scooter looks over to the group for comfort but they are suddenly gone.
Scooter: Did you want to try are on line catalog and have it...
Female Customer: I don’t have a computer.
Scooter: We have one....
Female Customer: I need it today, not tomorrow.
Scooter: Ok. Want me to call the Paper clips down the road?
Female Customer: I don’t have time to go there today. Or tomorrow even. Why don’t you morons keep things in stock.
Scooter: You can order it online and have it tomorrow.
Female Customer: I told you I need it today. I told you I don’t have a computer and don’t have time...
Scooter: But it would be there tomorrow if you just....
Female Customer: (gives a stern look) Just Ring me out. Ok!!
Scooter: Awww Ok. ( begins to ring her out) Did you know how you can save 10 bucks...
Female Custer: If I wanted to save money I would have freaking coupons, so shut up and ring me out ok.
Scooter: Ok that will be $22.33
Female Customer: The sign back there for those pencils said $5.00, not $7.00
Scooter: Really!
Female Customer: No I just said that to get a cheaper price. Grrr. Ring me in the price the sign says on the shelf..
Scooter: Hold on I need to check this out.
Customer walks in the store with a bag.
Male Customer: Is this where you do returns?
Scooter: (picking up phone) Yeah it is. Hold on a moment sir.
Female Customer: Want to finish helping me first.
Scooter: (presses intercom button) Attention please, Would an office supply personal come to the front for a price check. Office Supply’s to the front for a price check.
Cut to INT ISLE 5: Paper Isle
Deep down in Isle 5, Ryan Hiller is in a in depth discussion with his bosom pal Mike Davidson.
They pause in there conversation, to hear the announcement.
Ryan: So that’s why they should have taken him out of the game as opposed to keeping him in the game.
Mike D: But it would not have made any difference to them actually winning. They still would have been in the losing end.
Ryan: Not necessarily. (begins to walk toward the front)
Mike D: How do you figure.
Ryan: (stops walking and turns around) You see, there is this one little point you overlooked.
Cut to Upfront
Female Customer: Is your guy going to come up or what. I have to go somewhere. I have to be somewhere. Unlike you I have a real job.
Scooter: He’ll be here, probably busy with a customer. He’ll be here soon.
Cut to Isle 5:
Mike D: You see, a play like that could not have made any difference to them.
Ryan: You say that. But did you ever take in to factor
Scooter: (over loud speaker) Attention Please. Would a Office Supply PLEASE come to the front for a price check. Customer is waiting.
Ryan: I guess I should go to the front. (leaves to go up front)
Customer in Aisle: Do you know where I can find notebooks.
Mike D: (says expressionless) Over there. (points to the wall and walks away)
Customer in Aisle stands there looking at the wall
CIA: Which way did he say again?
Cut to INT Front Desk
Ryan: Yes what can I do for you.
FC: These Pens say 5 bucks on the shelf tag, and you cheap bastards do a bait and switch and charge me 2 bucks more. If you can’t put a sticker on the shelf right what good are you.
Ryan: I’ll go check.
FC: Hurry it if you could.
Ryan: Sure (begins to walk fast to the aisle)
Ryan begins to stroll back to the pen isle.
Male Customer: Pardon me mamm, but do you mind if I go ahead while your waiting.
FC: I guess, your Merchandise Moron should have been back. Actually if you had just marked it right to begin with. Where is He.
Down in the back
Ryan: Yeah maim, you see... This glue is really all we have.. .but I’m helping another... Oh sorry sir... I’ll help you in a minute...
Loud Speaker: Merchandizing Line 5. Merchandising Line five.
Beat
Teen Kid holding item in hand.
Teen Kid: Dude, where might this be..
Loud Speaker: Merchandizing. Line 3 and 5. That’ is 3 and a guy waiting on 5
Lady: Are you sure there isn’t any more glue.
Sir: Where are the ink Cartridges?
Teen: Where are the Ho Ho’S?
Loud Speaker: Merchandising Line, 1, 3, and five. THEY ARE WAITING on line 1,3, and 5.
UP FRONT
Male Customer: Yeah I’d like to return these 4 ink cartridges and this phone.
Scooter: Do you have a receipt.
MC: I threw it out when I got it. I mean it’s hard to keep these receipts you know?
Scooter: Emm..... Do you have a box for any of them?
MC: Didn’t need it once I opened it..
Scooter: That’s 4 ink cartridges with no receipt. And a phone with out a box and a receipt.
MC: Is that a problem.
Scooter: Yeah. You can’t return something with out a receipt and without a box. (Scooter picks up a cartridge and begins to look at it. He opens it.)
Scooter: What’s wrong with this anyway.
MC: Aww Wrong printer.
Scooter: Do you want the right cartridge now that you know it is wrong?
MC: Naw got em all ready. And the phone just stopped working. While I was on an important call also. It cost me some serious money. But I am going to let that go.
Scooter: ( In head) Call.... I was going to call Ellen last night. She is a cashier at night. I was going to call her and ask her for a date. Actually she never gave me her number so that would have been pointless.
Scooter: Sir this cartridge is empty. It’s also expired.
MC: Look I just want my money back cause I can’t use em. So can I please get my cash back.
Scooter: I just need to call my manager up here.
MC: Ok. That’s fine.
Ryan stools up to the front.
Ryan: Ok. The price is actually 6 dollars and neither 5 or 7. Where is she?
Scooter: I think she left... Manger to the front please. Manager to the front.. He should be up front soon. I wonder where he be at...
Off in the secluded woods of Colorado.... Matt Prince is jetting along in the woods on his snow mobile. He is all happy about not being at work, when all of a sudden he hears in the cloud.....
Scooter: (Echo Heavenly Voice) Matt to the front please. Matt to the front....
Matt: Even in my vacation hideaway I get called up..
Matt wakes up in the managers office, a big pool of drool on the desk....
Matt: Was that a page. I should fine out... After I take a dump... Whew man those taco’s I ate last night want to come on out.
INT Money Room
Linda the $ room lady is counting slips.
Linda: Man. Scooter made yet another mistake.
She makes a copy of his error and goes to the file draw where a record of mistakes is kept on different employees. Scooter has his own file.
INT: Aisle 3B
Bob is chewing gum like a cow and is talking to a customer
Bob: Yeah this palm pilot here comes in real handy. I have one myself. It lets me keep track of my kids. You can also keep track of the scores this way. The other night I was playing ball with my team and I hit this high fly ball to center field and the other teams player.....
INT: Front Desk
Scooter: Sorry this is taking so long.
MC: I understand. Just as long as I get my money back I’m happy.
Max: Psssst. Pssttt Hey 33. 33 over hear.
Scooter looks to see a Paperclip employee hiding behind a display rack. Yes Ma... I mean
Max: I’m 24 fool. This customer needs help
Scooter: (in head) Max. He’s with the agency that gets individuals with learning disorders to get jobs. Max and the other guy Don are pretty normal guys. Max is either Popeye, Mr. T, or a secret agent. Don is always the reassuring guy who gets one or two sodas in the morning and never wears the right uniform. His favorite line is....
MC: Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt your thoughts but where is that manager.
INT: Outside of bathroom stall....
A toilet is flushed and Matt comes out.
Matt: Whewwwwweeeeee
INT: Front Desk.
Scooter: I’m sure he’ll be here. Aww here comes Susan. She can help. Susan...
Susan: (in head) I just walked in. Can’t he see that. What does he want that he can probably do himself.
Scooter: This gentlemen has no receipt for an expired empty cartridge. And no box for a phone.
Susan: ( in head) I love people.
Susan looks at the cartridge.....
Susan: I’m sorry sir, but we can’t take it...
MC: Now look. I’m a loyal customer. I shop here all the time. All I want is my money back.
Susan: But sir we cant’ take a product back with no receipt.
MC: But I bought it here.
Scooter at this time sneaks around the corner.
Susan: Yeah but you don’t have a receipt and we need one. The receipt proves you bought it here.
MC: Woo wait. Lady.... I did not come here to be called a thief.
Susan: I said it proved you bought it here, I did not say you didn’t buy it here.
MC: So why can’t you give me the $ I paid.
Susan: Cause you don’t have a record of what you paid for.
MC: Just ring up the box then.
Susan: You don‘t have the UPC number on the box. (in head: Why didn‘t Scoot pick that up) There is nothing to ring up. We can‘t return something with out a UPC code. (In head: My coffee is getting cold)
INT: TECH CENTER
Scooter is listening to the conversation. Sitting on the desk is a 2 cups of 1/2 filled coffee.
Scooter: Those cups have been here for the past three days. Why do they even bother to buy coffee if they never drink it?
Harold comes behind the tech center. He talks in a smooth con artist type of voice.
Harold: Aaaa what’s happening out there. Tick some guy off out there. Hey you ever think about that cell phone?
Scooter: What do I need a cell phone for, I got a real phone.
Harold: But just think you could call your friends when your on the road coming to work. We have this great plan you could have.
Scooter: Shouldn’t you finish doing load before Susan yells at you???
Harold: Well... You see. I’m busy helping customers. You should get back out and ring before Sarah yells at you.
Scooter: She’s in a good mode today
Harold: Maybe you can ask her out then huh?
Scooter: She’s never in that good a mode. Come on get to work. Susan won’t be in a good mode in a few minutes after she’s done with this guy.
Harold: Enough time for me to escape.
INT: Front Desk
MC: It’s the one behind you.
Susan looks behind her and then looks at the cartridge.
Susan: Sir that is not the same cartridge. And it’s empty anyway. You want money for an empty cartridge?
MC: It dried up.
Susan: It’s also expired.
MC: These things have an expiration? I was not told. that. So I deserve my $ back. Can’t you just honor your customers and give me back my &*(*&&* money.
Susan: Sir, we don't’ even carry this brand anymore.
MC: I bought it here.
Susan: About a few years ago.
MC: Last week.
Susan: We stopped carrying this bran model a year ago And it’s expired a year ago. We sell these cartridges over a year in advance to the expiration date. So it’s been at least two years.
MC: You see the cartridge is right behind you.
Susan: It’s a different cartridge
MC: it’s cartridge. Their all the same thing.
Susan: Sir, it’s not the same thing.
MC: What are you &^**& blind. How long have they let you wear the stripes.
Susan leans over and punches the guy in the face. Then pours her hot coffee all over him and then starts to kick him.
MC: Well are you going to honor your policy or not
Susan snaps out of her day dream.
Susan: (where is Matt Prince, why wasn’t he paged?_
INT: TECH CENTER
Scooter: What ever happen to Matt?
INT: Back room
Matt is inhaling some nasal spray while standing in front of the lockers. He lets out a big ol fart.
INT: Aisle 3B
Bob is still talking to the same customer
Bob: Ya I punched this guy right in the stomach. He learned never to mess with me again. Another wrestling story I have....
INT: Front Desk
Susan: Hear, Give em these and tell him that’s all we can do. THAT’s IT. No other preaching to him about being patient. The jack ass will go away if he’s happy.
Scooter: $10 bucks worth. Why me, why can’t you......
Scooter turns around and turns back. Susan is gone
Scooter: Sir the best we can do for you is these complimentary gift certificates worth $10
Phone Rings. Scooter picks it up...
Scooter: Hold on a minute. Did you get every thing you were... I mean Staples. Scisors. I mean Paperclips. Sorry. I’m in the middle of something. Ok. I’ll page em..
Scooter picks up phone to page:
Scooter: COPY CENTER LINE 2. That is Line 2. Sorry sir.
MC: Now that your done being rude. I paid a good 50 bucks for these and all you give me is this??? I ‘ll never shop hear again. I’ll go to Office World down the street where they treat customers with a little respect.

Scooter: Go ahead. They went out of business a while ago you jerk. Wait a minute did I day that in my head or ....
MC: Your all a bunch o morons.
Throws cartridge at Scooters head and beams him in the eye. Customer leaves. Scooter stands there clutching his eye.
In store phone is ringing.
Scooter picks it up rubbing his eye.
Scooter: Yeah?
Copy Center Guy: Emm it was for Electronics. Could you page them please? And by the way incase your wondering... James is not in today. (click)
Scooter: Why can’t they ever page? (Pages) Electronics line 2. Electronics line 2.
INT: Aisle 7
Harold is busy showing a couple a computer.
INT: Aisle 3B
Bob is still talking to same customer
Bob: Yeah and I could run a 2 min mile. Yeah I broke the record in my sophomore year.
INT: Back room.
Mike D is chatting away with Ryan H about something.
Matt: SO what ya need Scot.
Scooter: Well my eye could...
Female Customer: Hello? Can I get some help please.
Matt turns around to see the same beautiful girl he saw before.
Matt: Hold on a second please..
Matt picks up the phone.
Matt: Juan line # 10. Line # 10 for Juan. Why don’t you scooter go and take a break. Oh and (handing him a few bucks) pick me up a choc milk and a muffin. And have my riddle when you get back. Haven’t gotten my riddle yet today. Now miss how can I help you....
INT: BACK ROOM
Where as Mike did not hear the last page, His head suddenly turns around.
Mike D: I think we were paged.
INT: Aisle 3B
Bob is still talking to the same guy.
Bob: As I was saying, buy this Palm Pilot and buy this protection plan. Runs off.
INT: RECEIVING
Wally puts on his Harpo Marx wig and takes out his horn.
INT: Aisle 5B
James takes out some gel and runs it through his hair and begins to stroll up front.
INT: FRONT DESK
The guys are all up to gawk at the lady.
Scooter: I get hit in the eye with a cartridge and he gets to talk to the pretty female. Mike never hears the page for electronics but always hears the call for line 10. I can’t save her. At least I get to go and eat ....
Tamara: Hey Scooter.
A short girl wearing a paper clips uniform comes stroling in. She has short blond hair.
Scooter: Hey, how ya doing.
Tamara: I’m a little tired.
She begins to walk back toward the back of the store.
Scooter: (in head: That’s Tamara. She’s a new employee. She laughs at all my jokes) It’s nice to have you hear. (Now I can get away from the service desk. Super Wendy comes in also. She is the cashier who has been here since before the store opened. I can actually get down to brass business. I can clean up the clearance aisle. People need to get a bargain and I’m just the one who needs to give them that bargain. Also the candy rack needs filling.
(Looking at the candy rack)
Sarah: Scooter, don’t you belong at a register.
Scooter: Matt sent me on break.
Scooter and Sarah both look towards the direction of the service desk where everyone is still around that girl.
Sarah: I think there busy. GO.
Scooter: But...And look the Starbursts are out. And what if some wants a Certs.....An unfilled candy rack..
Sarah: Shhh. Go
Scooter: Sigh
Sarah: As soon as Tamara gets up you may go and get your donut.
Scooter goes to register still watching Matt and the guys. Picks up the phone.
Scooter: Hi, anyone pick up yet?. No. Ok. (Pages) Electronics line 2. There is someone waiting on line 2.) Three people and they can’t even pick it up.
Ryan H: Jerk.
Scooter: Why come?
Ryan: You hear?
Scooter: About what?
Ryan: They evacuated Shop & Go next door due to a bomb threat and a tornado warning.
Scooter: Won’t that effect us also? Were still open.
Ryan: It’s a state wide thing.
Scooter: The bomb threat?
Ryan: No the tornado warning. Lots of places are closing down including....
INT MAIN PAPERCLIPS OFFICE
President: What? You mean series tornado warnings? Well of course were closing our offices. What? A bomb threat next door. How think are the walls?
beat
No... Will lose money if we close our stores.
beat
Why we closing? Are you crazy? I’m not risking my life to drive home in this bad weather. What if they threaten to bomb here next?
INT: CASHIER BOOTH
Tamara: You may go sir.
Scooter: Thanks. Time to go eat. (In head: You know once their was a blizzard. No roads. No power. No parking lot to park in. But we were still opened. The insane people who slept in that day at the corporate office know that their would be insane people out on the road that day. Some nut needed some paperclips from Paperclips in a snow storm. I think had I named the store I would have picked a different name. Such as Stap....
Max: Hey 33. This man needs help. He needs help.
Scooter: Thanks Max.
Max: No problem. (In head: I was just on my way to go on a break)
Old man: Yeah I need help with finding a ink cartridge. Where are they at...
End of Scene one
OTHER THINGS I WISH TO INCLUDE IF I EVER CAN
“I believe that the fact I have not been fired proves there is a God”- Scoter
Tamara is an escape from a carnival. A bunch of Clowns comes in looking for her. A pie fight breaks out.
There is an shoplifter who steals lots of stuff due to the fact that every time the security alarm goes off as he’s walking out the door, everyone always just waves him on.
The head of Security for Paper Clips has secret spies in the store, spying on the managers and staff
A secret shopper isn’t so secret as he looks like an agent. Gets beat up by some employees
The Manager from the Paper clips down the road loves to call and brag about how much better his store is doing in sales. He also sends over all the left over merchandise he doesn’t want.
James the Merchandiser and Roger the Merchandiser play floor hockey out back
A group of former employees takes over the store.
Don is the hero. He may seem like he’s learning disabled but is really an undercover cop.
Susan is paged letting the whole store know that her mother is on the line by the employee who walks to work 4 miles back and forth everyday.
I’m sure their is more I can think of.