SMOKING IN THE WOODS
Early Afternoon July 14th 1987, is the day I tried smoking.
I awoke that morning with an incredible urge to find out what the big deal was by puffing on something that caused smoke to pour into ones' natural oxygen tank of life. I had it all planned out, or it least I thought I did. As soon as Mom and Dad left to do their weekly flea market shopping, I snuck outside in my dark dungaree shorts and virgin white Mickey Mouse t-shirt and dropped to the dirty brown layer of dirt underneath me. The sweat poured down my arm as the 86 degree weather stung me like a bee. I knew somebody would have left some cigarette butts on the ground. It wasn't exactly what I wanted. What I wanted was a whole one, so I could say I actually smoked a cigarette, instead of puffing on the end of one.
I was not about to go up to someone and ask them for one as I didn't want people to think I did it all the time. My fingers swam through the rough powdery dirt as they sniffed out their prey. Within under two minutes I found my golden treasure butt , that had not been stomped out with someone's slimy crap stinking shoe. I dashed into the house before anybody could see me and took it over to the kitchen sink. I put it in my mouth because I couldn't think of any other place to put it at the time. A tiny bit of dirt fell off the end and landed in my mouth. I thought nothing of it at the time, but thinking back, who knows whose dirty mouth that butt had been in. I reached up into the light brown cupboard over the primitive gas stove and pulled out a book of matches from the cupboard.
The match sprang to life with a roar of thunder as it kissed the front of where cigarette had been left off. I removed it from my mouth at this time. I decided that I would hold it in my hand so I would not die right away from the toxic fumes going into my mouth. A mountain of smoke emerged from the end and caused my eyes to bug out. My nostrils tasted the smoke with a displeasing gesture it wrinkled up like a prune. I decided that this was no the time to try it, and dunked it with water and threw it in the trash.
My crazy mind led me to try and smoke other things, as I was Obsessed with the idea of trying to smoke something. When I went to Boy Scoot camp once, some scouts smoked some basket reed. Thinking this might possibly work, I ripped a piece of reed off of the clothespin basket. This time I decided to be brave and light it when it was in my mouth. The piece of reed lit up like a real cigarette as the flame touched the end of it. I tried to suck in what ever smoke I could out of it without much success. How did they do it at boy scout camp?
The next thing I tried was rolled up paper. It started to burn before I had a chance to put it in my mouth. I rushed from the kitchen table to the sink before it had a chance to start a blazing inferno. I then tried things that no human being ever smoked such as cheese curls, pretzel sticks, and banana peels. I got the idea of the banana peels from some movie and as kid would always pretend pretzel sticks were cigars; I wanted to see if I could actually smoke it. The other one came from God knows where. Of course none of these things were smoke able.
All of what happen was just a warm up for the activity in the woods. My friends Susan, Tommy, B.J. and I crept to the woods where know one would be able to see Susan smoke a whole cigarette. Earlier after cleaning up the matches or any ashes or other burnt things that might be left around, I decided to take a trip down to the pond near my house. I finally met up with Susan at one point. She lives in my neighborhood and is someone I see quite frequently. sweet kid, about five and 1/2 years younger than I am, has golden brown hair and a little beer belly. I swear she looked pregnant.
Anyway as we paddled across Pleasant Pond we got into a discussion about smoking. B.J. swam out and joined us as we began the conversation. He's about five years younger than me, brown hair, and is sort of small for his age, or at least he was then. He also happens to be a neighbor and one of my best friends. I told them what I tried that morning and B.J. told of how he had tried it in the past.
Susan started to brag of how she had smoked a cigarette that morning. “Yeah, sure you did!", was our reply. Like a hurt animal, her battered ego decided to prove us wrong. As both of us wanted to see her prove herself we encouraged hey enthusiastically. “You wouldn't do it." Fifteen minutes later she came running down the hill from her house, with a package of cigarettes in hey hand. We were quite surprised as we figured she would have some excuse for not getting them. We spent about ten minutes deciding where to smoke them. We didn't want anyone to see us.
We finally decided on the woods, as there would be nobody in it at the time. As we walked down the road we ran into Tommy. We didn't want anybody else to watch, but we let him come because we were nice, and he is one of our friends. Tommy's about two years younger than me. He makes fun of Susan because she's a little fat. I don't know why, because he is a lot fatter than she is. There were only three cigarettes, that is all hey big sister had left for her to swipe.
She was smiling very proudly as she took it out of the package. The afternoon sun picked its way through the tree branches and surrounded us with its presence. The chirping ~ birds and quietness of the woods filled us with a sense that we were alone and secure, and that we would not get caught, even though I felt God's eyes stuck on me like glue. I felt that I had somehow been zapped into a Norman Rockwell painting. She put it between hey thin lips and lit up the end. After about a minute of trying to light it up, a orange glow appeared at the end of the cigarette.
We all watched with enthusiasm as Susan sucked on the end of it. It was hard to tell if she was actually puffing on it at all. She plucked it from her lips and puckered up. She blow out a clear ring of air. Looking puzzled she tried it again with the same results. “'Nothing's coming out,“ she replied with a frown.
"HEE, HEE, HEE,' came out of Tommy as he fell over with a thud. "Hee, Hee, Hee,'“ I seriously thought the kid was going to die from laughing too hard. His hands dug into the dirt as he moved about like he was possessed by a demon.
"Give me that, B. J. demanded. He took it and stuck it in his mouth and took a long drag. I mean a real long drag; I thought the whole thing was going to disappear into his mouth. The end of the cigarette started to become bright orange. After what seemed an eternity he released it from his mouth and let the smoke escape. He did it again to make sure Susan knew what she was doing. "That's how you do it. Here give me the other one.“ ' He took another cigarette out of the pack and lit it up. "Do you want one Tom?"
"NO, Hee, Ha Ha, Hee, I'd just rather watch" he replied as he began to come out of his laughing fit.
"How about you Mark?"
'No, I feel the same way, I don't want to try it right now," I said with kind of a smile. I couldn't believe this two kids were actually smoking. B.J. began to puff away as Susan continued to try to smoke hers. She got some smoke out, but was still very poor at doing so. When B.J. was half through his, his eyes looked a little green and his head looked like it was spinning around. With out warning he dropped the cigarette to the ground and clasped a hand over his mouth and ran for home.
Susan gave up on hers and followed him. Seeing she did not really inhale all that much, she did not look too sick. Tommy and I started to follow them, with Tommy laughing all the way. I turned back as the package had been left on the grown, and I hated litter.
I went back down alone; Tommy wanted to join the others. He just didn't want to walk back down the hill again. As I picked up the package and the match book, and the butts that were on the ground, I remembered there was still one cigarette left. I didn't want to do it with the others then, because I felt uncomfortable. My urge flared up again as I picked it up and flung it between my lips. Before doing this I flung off my shirt so I would not have any smoke on it. Most people , when trying to smoke and not get caught, don't think of these things. Afterwards I planned to take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my cloths.. I had it all figured out. I didn't want my parents finding out.
I lit the match up and lit up the cigarette. The flame looked so big, I felt it was going to burn my nose off. I started to breathe in and exhale smoke. I could smell and taste nothing. I felt a little disappointed. Cigarettes had no flavor. I don't see why people make such a whopdy doo over these things. I decided to be brave and imitate B.J.. I took a deep drag. It must have been overpowering because I lost control of my sucking and it poured into my mouth like an runaway train. The inside of my chest shot up phlegm, as I coughed up a lung. I gasped and suffered for two minutes thinking that B.J‘s method was not very effective. I finished it up and went back to my house.
That is the only cigarette that I have ever smoked. I still wish I could have tried it with some friends. B.J. told me never to mention what happened in the woods that day. I did sort of mention it though. I told it to my cousins when they were visiting me one day. It was such a funny story I had to tell it to someone. B.J. and Susan were there also. I used fake names when telling the story, so they would not know it was about us. Now everything was fine until Susan foolishly stated,
"Hey! We did that once."
Nice Narrative tone. especially Humorous at the banana/cheese curl/ pretzel scene 90
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